Slam!

The past several nights have been plagued with bad memories. When I close my eyes, my mind wanders to the first night I officially found out Ryan had died. Kevin, who we had met earlier that summer and was watching our neighbor Anne's place, had kept Makiah after finding her that morning. She loyally remained at Ryan's side and lead the recovery team to your final resting place. I couldn't help but wonder that night, and many nights since, what she saw. What did she hear?

I open my eyes as quickly as I can to banish the thought. Then they stay open until my mind silences and sheer exhaustion takes over.

I almost went a month without a serious breakdown. I thought April was the absolute worst month - with a steady trickle of breakdowns occurring night after night, after night. And then spending this past week on the North Shores of O'ahu stirred up something frightful. Out my deep, dark emotions poured. Wetting my pillow each night with sobs of sadness and grief. Only to wake up the next morning puffy eyed and more exhausted. And when my family members ask me how I am the next morning, I shrug it off and pretend everything is okay.

But it's not. I'm coping the best way I can. And that's all I can do. Sometimes the going is easy and sometimes the going is rough. Really rough. And it's more exhausting trying to put on a cheerful face.

I suppose this low time was to be expected. The seasons are certainly changing. With Memorial weekend now over - summer is officially here. And my love is not. I try to cheerily look at it from a positive spin. It wouldn't hurt this bad if I didn't have such an amazing love. I am so thankful to have experienced life with Ryan and to have connected to someone on so many levels so young in my life. But oh how I miss him.