I just figured out why I neglected my yard. It had gotten so out of control - it took 4 adults 3 hours to get it back into shape and functional. And I finally planted the tomato plants Jo picked up for me. As I was watering them, something I hadn't done since last summer, it dawned on me that I was putting off dealing with the realization that Ryan's not inside. He will never peer out the office window as I flash him, never smurk at me and beckon me inside to give him a kiss. That part of my life is over.
It was a sad thought, coming to these terms. But it's realistically something I've been striving toward for the past 9 months. And as the 12 month is rapidly approaching, I sit back and amazed at how far I've come.
For now the grief has subsided and I'm enjoying the summer days. I've had lots of free time and long daylight hours to work on my mental and physical health. Winter was hands down the most difficult month. And some days it's hard to be in the house - so who knows what my future may bring. What was once so certain is now so up in the air.
But I'm slowly and surely becoming okay with that. What to do next in my life? What to do?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
It's hard to not thinking of memories created a year ago. Places we visited together and experiences we shared. Soon your absence will be longer than a year. It's really hard to believe it's almost been that long.
This weekend I'm headed to the cabin with Chris and Makiah. I want to visit the spot where you were found and pay my respects. I want to visit that "first" - and am finally feeling strong enough to do so. It feels like it's a necessary part in my healing.
I think back on this past year and can't believe how hard it's been at times and also easy at others. To think we were in the Methow exactly a year ago - you with your climbing buddies and me ready to do a stage race. I warmed up on my rollers on the porch. Who would have thought events would have transpired the way they did? Who would have known?
I remember when Brad passed away and we held each other so tight. It made both of us aware of our deep love for one another and how much we mean to one another. I remember holding you tight, hoping and praying that would never happen to me. But it did.
Now Nellie is going through pain and anguish. Her boyfriend Micah went missing around your birthday on a climb in China. The bodies of his companions were found - yet his has not turned up yet. I cried today and thought of how difficult it is - what a long hard road she has in front of her. From what I hear you now have some more bros to hang with.
Oh Ryan. I miss you. To think that your ashes sit on my mantle is unreal. That's part of the reason I want to see the spot - so the reality can really sink in.
143.
This weekend I'm headed to the cabin with Chris and Makiah. I want to visit the spot where you were found and pay my respects. I want to visit that "first" - and am finally feeling strong enough to do so. It feels like it's a necessary part in my healing.
I think back on this past year and can't believe how hard it's been at times and also easy at others. To think we were in the Methow exactly a year ago - you with your climbing buddies and me ready to do a stage race. I warmed up on my rollers on the porch. Who would have thought events would have transpired the way they did? Who would have known?
I remember when Brad passed away and we held each other so tight. It made both of us aware of our deep love for one another and how much we mean to one another. I remember holding you tight, hoping and praying that would never happen to me. But it did.
Now Nellie is going through pain and anguish. Her boyfriend Micah went missing around your birthday on a climb in China. The bodies of his companions were found - yet his has not turned up yet. I cried today and thought of how difficult it is - what a long hard road she has in front of her. From what I hear you now have some more bros to hang with.
Oh Ryan. I miss you. To think that your ashes sit on my mantle is unreal. That's part of the reason I want to see the spot - so the reality can really sink in.
143.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Coping
Ryan's birthday was on June 5, 2009. He would have turned 32. Knowing that the day would be hard, regardless of my location, I flew out to Chicago to spend the weekend away from home in attempt to create new memories. My friend Sharon suggested I float a flower on the shores of Lake Michigan.
Even buying the flower for the occasion was tough. A single, bright pink rose. I popped it off it's stem and cried while doing so. Thinking about how much I would give to have him here next to me - to be celebrating his birthday in person. How the past 9 months have whizzed by.
As the flower floated, it quickly made it's way into deeper waters. Growing more and more distant and bopping in and out of view. My face grew crusty with salty tears. Yet I felt better for having done something in his memory.
The pain has grown deeper. No longer coming in waves, it has settled in with a dull ache. Constantly reminding me of what I lost and making my gray hair multiply.
Even buying the flower for the occasion was tough. A single, bright pink rose. I popped it off it's stem and cried while doing so. Thinking about how much I would give to have him here next to me - to be celebrating his birthday in person. How the past 9 months have whizzed by.
As the flower floated, it quickly made it's way into deeper waters. Growing more and more distant and bopping in and out of view. My face grew crusty with salty tears. Yet I felt better for having done something in his memory.
The pain has grown deeper. No longer coming in waves, it has settled in with a dull ache. Constantly reminding me of what I lost and making my gray hair multiply.
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