I miss you Ryan. A lot.

I am so thankful for my tribe of people who support me. And I'm so thankful that Trish has a tribe to support her as well. We are so very lucky.

I watched a home video with you in it this morning. We were wrestling at my mom's house and she made a comment early on, "one day these videos will be priceless!" And they are, they are.

I watched another video at Christmas time. We were sitting around the table, exchanging gifts and you were giving mom a silly glass shoe shaped bottle with lotion inside. You had carefully wrapped it and she didn't want to open it. Watching you interact and talk has made me realize how much I'm forgetting about you already. It's scary.

I've also been feeling like I might want to move out of the house. I'm not sure when - or where - but I feel so consumed here that eventually I can picture starting my life some where new. That's a really scary thought though.

As the year mark approaches, I find my thoughts with you more and more. What would we be doing now? What adventures would await us?

Thinking of you

I never really stopped thinking about you. Just some days are easier than others. Some days I'm able to immerse myself in what I'm doing so I shut out the constant ache. But usually I wake up in the mornings and you're the first thing on my mind. This morning I could feel you. I want to have a dream about you so bad - but haven't in months.

I finally built up enough courage today to call the sheriff's department to find out where exactly they located your body. I don't know why that matters so much to me - other than I want to go where you last were. I want to be there. I want to pay tribute to you.

One year is rapidly approaching. One year. I can't believe it.

I find myself struggling with the concept of having the capacity to love someone as much as I loved you. For fear of losing it, I suppose. A rational fear at first but in reality an unrealistic one.

Every time I hear an old song, it transports me to memories I have with you. How at the time I soak in everything that's around me... live in the moment and try to commit it to memory. Boy am I glad I did. I'm afraid of losing those memories. Afraid of forgetting how you smiled or your embrace. But I can't think about it too long - otherwise a flood of tears and a puddle of emotions will come streaming out.