One other note - I will say I made a shift in the way I approached things. Instead of feeling like every comment I made came out of my mouth in some sort of negative way, I focused on looking at the bright side of things. April was a month marked with depression - I was in a dark hole that felt like I would never get out. The harder I tried, the deeper I would sink.

And then something shifted. I took the pressure off myself to compete. I removed anxiety driven situations (mainly road racing) and a weight lifted from my shoulders. I was rediscovering what exercises I did that would make me feel good. I started climbing a little more. I started running trails. I knew I was onto something good when I was able to completely shut my brain off when I was cruising along at my own pace.

I associated training and racing with too much of the same routine. Too much time to think about the way things were, the memories I created when Ryan was around. It became too strong of a burden to bare. And once I removed that pressure, my wings started opening, much wider than before, and I was free to move as I pleased. Finally I was able to look at this important time in my life as a gift rather than a burden.

You have no idea how liberating that was.