Dreams

I almost had a dream about Ryan last night, the first one in quite some time.

My dream was based around my childhood home in Eugene, Oregon. I was grown up and we had a bunch of family members around. It was as though we were trying to accomplish something together but had a really difficult time coordinating everyone together. I cooked an omelet, thinking it would be okay to leave, came back a few minutes later and someone had eaten it all! One thing is for sure - you don't come between me and my chow so I was pissed. I remember looking at my brother with accusatory eyes and storming out of the room. All I could think to myself was why couldn't these people cut me a break? Didn't they realize that Ryan had died and I'm still hurting? So what do they do but eat my food?

Kind of funny in that I take someone eating my creation as a serious insult when I was the one who got up and walked away.

I remember feeling like Ryan was following me though in my dream. I woke up shortly thereafter confused and pissed someone had eaten my food.

September

A new month and a new year.

This past Monday we celebrated your passing. A handful of friends and your mom made the hike up to the base of Prime Rib and commemorated you. We scattered some of your ashes and thought about what amazing person you are.

The deep pain that encompassed the week has lessened and I can breath and sleep normally again. I know your absence will always lay heavy on my heart but it feels like I've gotten a little closer to acceptance of you being gone. It happened organically and I'm thankful for it.

So what does the next little bit have in store? Still finding my way and figuring that out. But I feel like I've taken some steps forward in my grieving process.