A big huge sigh starts this entry off.
Holidays are tough for me. Instead of coping with a daily routine, I am reminded in multiple ways of Ryan's absence. It strikes me at odd times- like when I'm wrapping gifts, getting dressed up for Christmas celebrations, parties, etc. Last night as I was frantically wrapping gifts in time to give them away before I leave again, I am aware of him missing. "Whatcha doing Juice?" he'd say after putting in eight hours of work in the basement and come bounding up the stairs. He'd crack a beer, take a swig and then wrap his arms around me.
I continue on with taping, cutting, putting ribbons on the gifts and dismiss the ache.
Something would distract me. I'd get back into the routine of things and then, as I was getting ready for going out to dinner with my Mom, Chuck, Marcy and Sam, his presence would come flooding back into my consciousness. I would remember getting ready in times past, asking him for his opinion on shoe choice, and he would dutifully answer. Knowing full well that shoe choice for women is often a loaded question.
We were supposed to grow old together.
I'm trying. I'm trying not to let these thoughts consume me. To suck me into the grieving vortex. But I also know it's important to recognize these feelings, to acknowledge their existence. They are real feelings and deserve respect too.
I look forward to new memories of the holidays. Not to replace the old ones, but to add to them. Sigh.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Heavy weights
Wow - the two year mark is rapidly approaching.
I cleaned out my closet tonight. I had the time and it's been on my mind for some time to do - and finally I summoned the motivation to complete that massive project.
It was somewhat bittersweet - touching and feeling the clothing that I wore when you were alive. The styles that I wore - so outdated by now - yet frozen in time when I think about the times we spent together while I wore them.
I filled 5 big bags. Five! Five bags and 15 years worth of memories. The dust kitties when scurrying in a hurry, I was ruthless with what I decided to discard.
I feel like I'm building momentum - and I've been thinking about moving. Downsizing and getting rid of the clutter is a move in the right direction. I can tell something is going to change in the near future with regard to my dwelling - and it feels like it's right, the time has come.
Some days I feel stronger than others. Today I was able to put on my badge of courage and dive in - and I'm glad I did. But damn Ryan, I still miss you to pieces.
I cleaned out my closet tonight. I had the time and it's been on my mind for some time to do - and finally I summoned the motivation to complete that massive project.
It was somewhat bittersweet - touching and feeling the clothing that I wore when you were alive. The styles that I wore - so outdated by now - yet frozen in time when I think about the times we spent together while I wore them.
I filled 5 big bags. Five! Five bags and 15 years worth of memories. The dust kitties when scurrying in a hurry, I was ruthless with what I decided to discard.
I feel like I'm building momentum - and I've been thinking about moving. Downsizing and getting rid of the clutter is a move in the right direction. I can tell something is going to change in the near future with regard to my dwelling - and it feels like it's right, the time has come.
Some days I feel stronger than others. Today I was able to put on my badge of courage and dive in - and I'm glad I did. But damn Ryan, I still miss you to pieces.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Presence
In the week between the AVC and FSA Grand Prix, I found myself battling with grief. I struggled with thoughts of missing Ryan, wishing he were here, feeling blue, etc. Looking back on that time, I realize that a pattern is starting to emerge. Whenever I have some taper time and am not stressing my body to the max as usual, my mind starts to relax and think about things that are usually buried. In my normal routine of double day workouts, fueling, resting, etc - I don't have time to think about my feelings or get blue. Instead I'm focused on the next effort, the next appointment, the next thing. So when the down time came and the blue feelings happened, I freaked out a little bit.
I've gotten used to not being bombarded by those feelings on a daily basis. My piece of mind has become pretty steady so when it hit me in that week between competition, I felt like I had been broad sided.
Looking back on it - I know there are things I can do and mind sets I can take to embrace the situation. Instead of thinking of Ryan in a downer way, in how much I miss him, how sad I am that he's not here to experience life together - I should transform it into celebrating his energy. How now that I'm relaxing and tapering - his presence is with me more than ever before and he's here to assist. Turning that grief around from a blue feeling into a happy feeling can be hard at times but in the long term managing those feelings and using it as a way to honor him and as inspiration is the best thing I could do.
I'm sure his Irish temper would rear its angry head if he saw me mope and cry about it - he'd want me to summon his strength, use his energy and kick some ass doing what I love and am passionate about.
Next time I get some taper and recognize this pattern emerging, I will turn that frown upside down and use his presence in his honor.
I've gotten used to not being bombarded by those feelings on a daily basis. My piece of mind has become pretty steady so when it hit me in that week between competition, I felt like I had been broad sided.
Looking back on it - I know there are things I can do and mind sets I can take to embrace the situation. Instead of thinking of Ryan in a downer way, in how much I miss him, how sad I am that he's not here to experience life together - I should transform it into celebrating his energy. How now that I'm relaxing and tapering - his presence is with me more than ever before and he's here to assist. Turning that grief around from a blue feeling into a happy feeling can be hard at times but in the long term managing those feelings and using it as a way to honor him and as inspiration is the best thing I could do.
I'm sure his Irish temper would rear its angry head if he saw me mope and cry about it - he'd want me to summon his strength, use his energy and kick some ass doing what I love and am passionate about.
Next time I get some taper and recognize this pattern emerging, I will turn that frown upside down and use his presence in his honor.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Detachment
This one baffles me and I'm going to talk it out to see if I can make sense of it all.
Have you ever known someone who is completely detached from their body? I have - a couple of them actually. They have this ability to completely separate mind from their body and push their body beyond normal physical limitations. This mental strength is so strong that it ignores warning signs. And you can bet money on their body being in complete knots. Literally a ball of pent up muscle, nerves and on over drive, constantly. Bordering a blow up with every sustained effort, on the mind and body continue on in complete disharmony. I sit and watch in complete amazement as the two forces battle one another and often wonder what things would be like if they were in harmony and stopped fighting against one another.
More than anything it makes me take a hard look at myself. Both mentally and physically. For every time I think they will blow up or self destruct, they don't and continue on. It makes me want to reach my goals more than ever. Yet faced with the choice - do you risk your own safety in the name of sport? Or walk the fine line between risk and performance?
There are many ways to do something. You can try and force things, push and shove your way to the front of the line, or you can take the natural process and go with the flow, never settling for mediocrity but instead increasing your preference for stellar performances. And of course there's everything in between. This slower, methodical approach is the one I've been taking from the get go and sometimes, although I know this approach suites my personality and character more, I often wonder what it would be like if I started forcing things.
Do I want to be detached from my body more? Or has that lesson scared me from previous experiences... such as my torn ACL in high school and its following 4 surgeries, or near broken noses in boxing? How about near brain injury? Hamstring pulls and Achilles tears? Near epic experiences in Yosemite Valley? Did that condition me long ago to not push the line of risk vs. performance?
Since working with Jennie, I've worked on pushing my limits. Both mentally and physically. Hitting the wall and going beyond has taken hundreds, if not thousands of efforts. And the break through started to happen when I was able to continue pushing once in the dark tunnel of pain, where every ounce of your body is telling your brain to stop, yet you continue on. I often wonder if this push is taking time off my life. That with each effort or attempt I am literally shaving off time. That's a risk I'm willing to take.
I suppose it's one thing to push your own limits. To stretch your own boundaries and see what you can do. But the thing I don't get is what to do about someone who's forceful nature is starting to force you? Their actions and pursuit of sport is a "oh well!" approach and is hurled toward you whether you like it or not. Suddenly one of the variables associated with the risk of taking corners at speed on tiny little tires increases ten fold when someone is forcing themselves to corner, instead of letting the bike be an extension of the body. We all sign that USCF waiver form for every race we compete in... acknowledging the risk of serious injury or death by partaking in the event. And I guess up until this point I've had a naive reliance that all of my competitors compete with a code of conduct to avoid unnecessary roughness and don't put themselves on the brink of injury for some silly bike race. Now faced with the reality of having someone play rough alarms me. I'm pretty sure it alarms the entire peloton.
Does it prevent me from racing? No. But it sharpens my awareness of racing and training in a harmonious approach and I get fulfillment from having the privilege to race with a team and competitors who feel the same way. Not from winning at all costs.
Back to the original idea though... witnessing someone bend over backwards and force things stirs up several emotions. First there's my strong belief in the natural state of things. That everything happens for a reason and for the limited time we have on this planet, our job is to make the most out of it. Having a serious injury early in life taught me the invaluable lesson of patience. And that forcing things and asking "why me?" questions are counterproductive to living a life of acceptance. Ryan's death taught me and continues to teach me many things in that regard. Second, why wouldn't everyone want to live a life full of harmony? Why struggle against the natural law of things? Sure you can have preferences but the moment you start demanding expectations - well, that will surely set you up for failure.
Bottom line, it takes all sorts to make the world go round.
Have you ever known someone who is completely detached from their body? I have - a couple of them actually. They have this ability to completely separate mind from their body and push their body beyond normal physical limitations. This mental strength is so strong that it ignores warning signs. And you can bet money on their body being in complete knots. Literally a ball of pent up muscle, nerves and on over drive, constantly. Bordering a blow up with every sustained effort, on the mind and body continue on in complete disharmony. I sit and watch in complete amazement as the two forces battle one another and often wonder what things would be like if they were in harmony and stopped fighting against one another.
More than anything it makes me take a hard look at myself. Both mentally and physically. For every time I think they will blow up or self destruct, they don't and continue on. It makes me want to reach my goals more than ever. Yet faced with the choice - do you risk your own safety in the name of sport? Or walk the fine line between risk and performance?
There are many ways to do something. You can try and force things, push and shove your way to the front of the line, or you can take the natural process and go with the flow, never settling for mediocrity but instead increasing your preference for stellar performances. And of course there's everything in between. This slower, methodical approach is the one I've been taking from the get go and sometimes, although I know this approach suites my personality and character more, I often wonder what it would be like if I started forcing things.
Do I want to be detached from my body more? Or has that lesson scared me from previous experiences... such as my torn ACL in high school and its following 4 surgeries, or near broken noses in boxing? How about near brain injury? Hamstring pulls and Achilles tears? Near epic experiences in Yosemite Valley? Did that condition me long ago to not push the line of risk vs. performance?
Since working with Jennie, I've worked on pushing my limits. Both mentally and physically. Hitting the wall and going beyond has taken hundreds, if not thousands of efforts. And the break through started to happen when I was able to continue pushing once in the dark tunnel of pain, where every ounce of your body is telling your brain to stop, yet you continue on. I often wonder if this push is taking time off my life. That with each effort or attempt I am literally shaving off time. That's a risk I'm willing to take.
I suppose it's one thing to push your own limits. To stretch your own boundaries and see what you can do. But the thing I don't get is what to do about someone who's forceful nature is starting to force you? Their actions and pursuit of sport is a "oh well!" approach and is hurled toward you whether you like it or not. Suddenly one of the variables associated with the risk of taking corners at speed on tiny little tires increases ten fold when someone is forcing themselves to corner, instead of letting the bike be an extension of the body. We all sign that USCF waiver form for every race we compete in... acknowledging the risk of serious injury or death by partaking in the event. And I guess up until this point I've had a naive reliance that all of my competitors compete with a code of conduct to avoid unnecessary roughness and don't put themselves on the brink of injury for some silly bike race. Now faced with the reality of having someone play rough alarms me. I'm pretty sure it alarms the entire peloton.
Does it prevent me from racing? No. But it sharpens my awareness of racing and training in a harmonious approach and I get fulfillment from having the privilege to race with a team and competitors who feel the same way. Not from winning at all costs.
Back to the original idea though... witnessing someone bend over backwards and force things stirs up several emotions. First there's my strong belief in the natural state of things. That everything happens for a reason and for the limited time we have on this planet, our job is to make the most out of it. Having a serious injury early in life taught me the invaluable lesson of patience. And that forcing things and asking "why me?" questions are counterproductive to living a life of acceptance. Ryan's death taught me and continues to teach me many things in that regard. Second, why wouldn't everyone want to live a life full of harmony? Why struggle against the natural law of things? Sure you can have preferences but the moment you start demanding expectations - well, that will surely set you up for failure.
Bottom line, it takes all sorts to make the world go round.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
On Friday night I had a very vivid dream with Gary, Ryan's dad, in it. I can't recall what I was doing or where we were but he was dressed up in a tux with a hearing aid on. He was smiling and I could see his profile. I woke up thinking how badly I needed to check in with him and Anita since it had been so long since we last talked.
The next day I got a call from Anita and she told me Gary is in the ICU. He is having some health issues and was there over the weekend and was not sure on the outcome of what will happen. Was that dream linked? I wasn't sure until I just read my other post.
What really gives me chills is the dream I wrote about a couple posts back - and the hospital gown and stuff that was left in an abandoned house. My premonition is getting spooky.
The next day I got a call from Anita and she told me Gary is in the ICU. He is having some health issues and was there over the weekend and was not sure on the outcome of what will happen. Was that dream linked? I wasn't sure until I just read my other post.
What really gives me chills is the dream I wrote about a couple posts back - and the hospital gown and stuff that was left in an abandoned house. My premonition is getting spooky.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A couple of weeks ago I came across a book about spirit animals. I listened to the CD with an open mind and did the exercises instructed in the book. It lead me to read several books about metaphysics and different religions of the world and really opened up my mind even more to life beyond life.
The most fascinating one I've read so far is on Buddhism and the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It discusses the bardos and how the soul moves on or reincarnates to the next "life." The passage I just read about how important our state of mind at death is got me thinking.
"... the last thought and emotion that we have before we die has an extremely powerful determining effect on our immediate future..... With our friends and relatives, we should do all we can to inspire positive emotions and sacred feelings, like love, compassion, and devotion, and all we can to help them to "let go of grasping, yearning and attachment.""
I wonder if Ryan's soul has been reincarnated already. Surely it has.
The most fascinating one I've read so far is on Buddhism and the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It discusses the bardos and how the soul moves on or reincarnates to the next "life." The passage I just read about how important our state of mind at death is got me thinking.
"... the last thought and emotion that we have before we die has an extremely powerful determining effect on our immediate future..... With our friends and relatives, we should do all we can to inspire positive emotions and sacred feelings, like love, compassion, and devotion, and all we can to help them to "let go of grasping, yearning and attachment.""
I wonder if Ryan's soul has been reincarnated already. Surely it has.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Dreams
I had a dream about you last night. We were in a house that was hanging on the side of a cliff. It was in pretty rough shape - and some of the house was hanging off the cliff and going to fall into the abyss below. We were in the basement for some reason and started disassembling the walls. When we finally knocked off the wall we discovered a room with uncased glass window panes in it. Before you started to throw those down and smash them into pieces, I wanted to crawl up to the first floor through a small opening in the floor. At first I didn't think I'd fit but you encouraged me to do so and that was the last I saw of you. The first floor room was recently abandoned and my mind concluded it was some older man who was in the last days of his life. Laying around the tidy room were remnants of his nursing tools - paper changing gowns like they have at the doctors office and what not - and on the ledge above the sink were a bunch of funky monkey figurines. I was thinking about wrapping them up in the paper gowns and packing them away - to hear Chris's voice summoning me from another room.
In part of that dream - or maybe a separate one entirely - I was trying to scale a rock wall after taking some delicious grapes from some natural health food grocery store. I was nearing the top, but for some reason couldn't make the mantle move to get over the wall. My right hand had a super good grip on a jug but I couldn't quite get the proper foothold or commit to going for it. It was only a 15 foot drop but thoughts of injury kept me gripped to the wall. At that point I realized I should call for help and some random stranger passing by lent me his hand and hoisted me up.
Weird. I haven't had bizarre twisted dreams like that in a while. What does it mean? I wonder if having Ryan there in my dream in the basement was a allegory to life - in that he'll always be there, cheering me on and encouraging me to do the impossible? What about being in a room by myself, discovering the different items in it and using them to my likening?
Or maybe it was one too many margaritas.
In part of that dream - or maybe a separate one entirely - I was trying to scale a rock wall after taking some delicious grapes from some natural health food grocery store. I was nearing the top, but for some reason couldn't make the mantle move to get over the wall. My right hand had a super good grip on a jug but I couldn't quite get the proper foothold or commit to going for it. It was only a 15 foot drop but thoughts of injury kept me gripped to the wall. At that point I realized I should call for help and some random stranger passing by lent me his hand and hoisted me up.
Weird. I haven't had bizarre twisted dreams like that in a while. What does it mean? I wonder if having Ryan there in my dream in the basement was a allegory to life - in that he'll always be there, cheering me on and encouraging me to do the impossible? What about being in a room by myself, discovering the different items in it and using them to my likening?
Or maybe it was one too many margaritas.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I'm starting to think that I should rename this blog as acceptance. Some time has passed since Ryan died and I'm starting to constantly see the sunny side of things again. I know that there will be some fluctuation of this feeling - which is only natural. Yet every day I seem to have more and more happiness in my life as things even out.
I rode my motorcycle the past two days in a row and I realized just how much fun it is to drive those machines. To feeling of air whisking you around, the speed of a machine underneath, the power at the flick of a wrist.
For the first time since this weekend, I just thought how nice it would be to have shared that experience with Ryan. He would have eaten up every single detail as I told him about it. He would listen with such passion and enthusiasm - making me feel like the most important person in the world. Man, I do miss him.
I rode my motorcycle the past two days in a row and I realized just how much fun it is to drive those machines. To feeling of air whisking you around, the speed of a machine underneath, the power at the flick of a wrist.
For the first time since this weekend, I just thought how nice it would be to have shared that experience with Ryan. He would have eaten up every single detail as I told him about it. He would listen with such passion and enthusiasm - making me feel like the most important person in the world. Man, I do miss him.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Reflection
I had to tell a complete stranger my story today.
And as I told them about what happened in 2008, I couldn't help but think, maybe I'm telling too much? Maybe I shouldn't include this detail or that? Why did I include a certain personal detail, which at this point all feels personal. But yet I didn't want to mask my experience. They could never truly know what it felt like to be me and to go through what I did so I continued on with my story.
I was asked, as I am from time to time, do you think you had time to grieve? And my answer is yes, as much as my body and mind would physically allow me to. But I also realize this process will never be over. I know I will always hold Ryan true to my heart and recognize that I had something so great and amazing - that nothing can ever replace him in my heart.
In telling my story, I also realize that I am more sure of what I want now. I don't fret on the details or smaller things in life but I look at the bigger picture - or at least strive to every day. My desire lies in growing in each day. Taking the lessons that life has to offer and learning from them. Creating and nurturing positive relationships.
A moment of clarity, eyes wide open - the colors outside look brighter. The buds on the trees practically growing before my very eyes. The movement of the water in the canal, the caw of a distant crow. Life keeps spinning and I'm thankful to be a part of it.
And as I told them about what happened in 2008, I couldn't help but think, maybe I'm telling too much? Maybe I shouldn't include this detail or that? Why did I include a certain personal detail, which at this point all feels personal. But yet I didn't want to mask my experience. They could never truly know what it felt like to be me and to go through what I did so I continued on with my story.
I was asked, as I am from time to time, do you think you had time to grieve? And my answer is yes, as much as my body and mind would physically allow me to. But I also realize this process will never be over. I know I will always hold Ryan true to my heart and recognize that I had something so great and amazing - that nothing can ever replace him in my heart.
In telling my story, I also realize that I am more sure of what I want now. I don't fret on the details or smaller things in life but I look at the bigger picture - or at least strive to every day. My desire lies in growing in each day. Taking the lessons that life has to offer and learning from them. Creating and nurturing positive relationships.
A moment of clarity, eyes wide open - the colors outside look brighter. The buds on the trees practically growing before my very eyes. The movement of the water in the canal, the caw of a distant crow. Life keeps spinning and I'm thankful to be a part of it.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I can feel a surge developing. A wave is sure to hit - especially since I've moved so many things. Your computer is now upstairs - being used on a regular basis. Makiah visits me in the spare bedroom to check out what the heck I've been up to. It feels good to have it here - in this space. Your pictures will surely grace the walls in the days to come. Your books brought upstairs and will sit on a shelf as a silent friend ... oh god, here it comes. The first wave.
But things have to change. I'm willing them to. And with it will come peace. I'm not doing it as a way to forget - but more of a way to move on. To accept the finality of how different my life is now and that it's time to make the most of it.
In a way I don't care what's next. I'm living in this very moment, feeling it for what it is and appreciating every single second of it.
This room has healing powers. I've always thought so. It has a nice big window that faces south and gets lots of wonderful light. It's painted a dark mauve color - and in my mind serves as the heart and soul of this house. Funny, there were so many colors we wanted for the interior of the house and you let me pick without flinching. And this one, this one is my favorite. Why did I let it sit dormant for so long?
But things have to change. I'm willing them to. And with it will come peace. I'm not doing it as a way to forget - but more of a way to move on. To accept the finality of how different my life is now and that it's time to make the most of it.
In a way I don't care what's next. I'm living in this very moment, feeling it for what it is and appreciating every single second of it.
This room has healing powers. I've always thought so. It has a nice big window that faces south and gets lots of wonderful light. It's painted a dark mauve color - and in my mind serves as the heart and soul of this house. Funny, there were so many colors we wanted for the interior of the house and you let me pick without flinching. And this one, this one is my favorite. Why did I let it sit dormant for so long?
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