At times I feel like I've lost my connection to this world. My link, my fortress has been disrupted and now I find myself questioning my decisions and think about what I think what others think far too much. I look around Ryan's work area - where he spent a far amount of his time at home and I can't help but feel a big empty place in my heart and in my home.

Picking up the pieces after his tragic accident has taken a while. There were some low moments, some deep depression and panic feelings of not being able to come out the other side. I still feel them just not as frequently as they used to come.

I've also learned how to escape them - to seek refuge in cycling and other activities. But I still can come full circle and bawl my eyes out with the best of them and mourn how much of my life is gone and just memories.

I'm starting to feel a tinge of anger coming on. How could he be so selfish? But then the moment I utter such words, I quickly ban them from my consciousness. How can I be mad at someone for following their passion? People get hit by walking off the corner of a street - so his exit out of this world was at least doing something he loved.

Wow. A full year has come and gone. It seems so long yet so short at the same time. He was loved, that's for sure. And I know he knew that.

Lately I've been feeling a really strong wave of grief. Where it's the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing on my mind as I go to sleep. I suppose it was triggered from hanging out with a bunch of couples at a wedding shower last night. It made me realize how much of an amazing relationship Ryan and I had. To have known that kind of love is really remarkable. But it also aches with a vengeance when I realize how much I miss him.

It gets to the point where I stop communicating. I can't talk. I can't bring myself to think of what to say - so I get really quiet. I hate to make people uncomfortable and think that by saying something it will. I've learned that I just have to roll with the punches.

Oh how I miss him.

Is it strange that I think about death more now? That I wonder if today will be my day through some strange accident? That maybe my fate is getting near? I know, those are terrible thoughts. But I can't help but think them.