I'm starting to think that I should rename this blog as acceptance. Some time has passed since Ryan died and I'm starting to constantly see the sunny side of things again. I know that there will be some fluctuation of this feeling - which is only natural. Yet every day I seem to have more and more happiness in my life as things even out.
I rode my motorcycle the past two days in a row and I realized just how much fun it is to drive those machines. To feeling of air whisking you around, the speed of a machine underneath, the power at the flick of a wrist.
For the first time since this weekend, I just thought how nice it would be to have shared that experience with Ryan. He would have eaten up every single detail as I told him about it. He would listen with such passion and enthusiasm - making me feel like the most important person in the world. Man, I do miss him.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Reflection
I had to tell a complete stranger my story today.
And as I told them about what happened in 2008, I couldn't help but think, maybe I'm telling too much? Maybe I shouldn't include this detail or that? Why did I include a certain personal detail, which at this point all feels personal. But yet I didn't want to mask my experience. They could never truly know what it felt like to be me and to go through what I did so I continued on with my story.
I was asked, as I am from time to time, do you think you had time to grieve? And my answer is yes, as much as my body and mind would physically allow me to. But I also realize this process will never be over. I know I will always hold Ryan true to my heart and recognize that I had something so great and amazing - that nothing can ever replace him in my heart.
In telling my story, I also realize that I am more sure of what I want now. I don't fret on the details or smaller things in life but I look at the bigger picture - or at least strive to every day. My desire lies in growing in each day. Taking the lessons that life has to offer and learning from them. Creating and nurturing positive relationships.
A moment of clarity, eyes wide open - the colors outside look brighter. The buds on the trees practically growing before my very eyes. The movement of the water in the canal, the caw of a distant crow. Life keeps spinning and I'm thankful to be a part of it.
And as I told them about what happened in 2008, I couldn't help but think, maybe I'm telling too much? Maybe I shouldn't include this detail or that? Why did I include a certain personal detail, which at this point all feels personal. But yet I didn't want to mask my experience. They could never truly know what it felt like to be me and to go through what I did so I continued on with my story.
I was asked, as I am from time to time, do you think you had time to grieve? And my answer is yes, as much as my body and mind would physically allow me to. But I also realize this process will never be over. I know I will always hold Ryan true to my heart and recognize that I had something so great and amazing - that nothing can ever replace him in my heart.
In telling my story, I also realize that I am more sure of what I want now. I don't fret on the details or smaller things in life but I look at the bigger picture - or at least strive to every day. My desire lies in growing in each day. Taking the lessons that life has to offer and learning from them. Creating and nurturing positive relationships.
A moment of clarity, eyes wide open - the colors outside look brighter. The buds on the trees practically growing before my very eyes. The movement of the water in the canal, the caw of a distant crow. Life keeps spinning and I'm thankful to be a part of it.
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