Holidays

A big huge sigh starts this entry off.

Holidays are tough for me. Instead of coping with a daily routine, I am reminded in multiple ways of Ryan's absence. It strikes me at odd times- like when I'm wrapping gifts, getting dressed up for Christmas celebrations, parties, etc. Last night as I was frantically wrapping gifts in time to give them away before I leave again, I am aware of him missing. "Whatcha doing Juice?" he'd say after putting in eight hours of work in the basement and come bounding up the stairs. He'd crack a beer, take a swig and then wrap his arms around me.

I continue on with taping, cutting, putting ribbons on the gifts and dismiss the ache.

Something would distract me. I'd get back into the routine of things and then, as I was getting ready for going out to dinner with my Mom, Chuck, Marcy and Sam, his presence would come flooding back into my consciousness. I would remember getting ready in times past, asking him for his opinion on shoe choice, and he would dutifully answer. Knowing full well that shoe choice for women is often a loaded question.

We were supposed to grow old together.

I'm trying. I'm trying not to let these thoughts consume me. To suck me into the grieving vortex. But I also know it's important to recognize these feelings, to acknowledge their existence. They are real feelings and deserve respect too.

I look forward to new memories of the holidays. Not to replace the old ones, but to add to them. Sigh.