Only when I'm alone do I really let my sorrow take over. The sobs come out without hesitation. The realization that he's gone hits me like a freight truck.

So what do I do? I surround myself with people so that truck doesn't cause a 19 car pile up on I-5.

Nobody

People forget.

Sure they were sad at first when they heard Ryan had passed and thought about his absence for a couple weeks or months at best that he was gone. Perhaps they'd be reminded by some fluke occurrence, some random photograph or song that would transport them into remembering his spirit. And maybe they'd think about it for a little while until their lives returned to their routine.

I sometimes feel like a reminder that Ryan's gone. My mere presence makes people uncomfortable that they have to deal with his death. I'm that reminder that someone who was once here, living life to the fullest, having a fun, making memories, with so much life left to live - is now gone.

I can't blame people for having this reaction. It's unfathomable to imagine how it feels until you're the one feeling it. Till you walk in someones shoes who has lost their soul mate.

I live with reminders everyday. When I wake up in the morning, he's not there. When I curse doing yard work, he's not there. When I need someone to vent to, someone to hold, someone who knows me better than anyone else - he's gone. Gone forever.

All that is left is a big broken heart. One that knows what a great love is and how devastating it is to lose it. I would never wish this loss upon anyone, not even my worst enemies.

Slam!

The past several nights have been plagued with bad memories. When I close my eyes, my mind wanders to the first night I officially found out Ryan had died. Kevin, who we had met earlier that summer and was watching our neighbor Anne's place, had kept Makiah after finding her that morning. She loyally remained at Ryan's side and lead the recovery team to your final resting place. I couldn't help but wonder that night, and many nights since, what she saw. What did she hear?

I open my eyes as quickly as I can to banish the thought. Then they stay open until my mind silences and sheer exhaustion takes over.

I almost went a month without a serious breakdown. I thought April was the absolute worst month - with a steady trickle of breakdowns occurring night after night, after night. And then spending this past week on the North Shores of O'ahu stirred up something frightful. Out my deep, dark emotions poured. Wetting my pillow each night with sobs of sadness and grief. Only to wake up the next morning puffy eyed and more exhausted. And when my family members ask me how I am the next morning, I shrug it off and pretend everything is okay.

But it's not. I'm coping the best way I can. And that's all I can do. Sometimes the going is easy and sometimes the going is rough. Really rough. And it's more exhausting trying to put on a cheerful face.

I suppose this low time was to be expected. The seasons are certainly changing. With Memorial weekend now over - summer is officially here. And my love is not. I try to cheerily look at it from a positive spin. It wouldn't hurt this bad if I didn't have such an amazing love. I am so thankful to have experienced life with Ryan and to have connected to someone on so many levels so young in my life. But oh how I miss him.

Wrapping your arms around me

Yesterday after reading a section in my book regarding afterlife, I had a surreal experience.

I got giddy at the thought that spirits do stay around after their physical presence goes away and was excited thinking about the possibility of Ryan being able to be there when I needed him. All that's required is an open mind and soul to the possibility of the afterlife.

So as I was folding my laundry, I turned on the radio and felt an overwhelming sense of being hugged. My heart soared, my mind quieted and I could truly feel Ryan in the room with me hugging me. It was similar to the movie Ghost.

And although I shed some tears right then and there - it was more because I could feel Ryan more than I had in months and they were tears of joy.

Now I'm on a quest to experience more of that - whether that be through meditation, exercise, quests, etc. The more open I am to the possibility of it happening - the more likely it will.

Then this morning as I was practicing yoga, something I haven't done in months, I was flooded with amazing memories. I couldn't help but think about our trip to Spain in 2007. It was the first time I had thought about it in months. And it felt so amazing to be transported there again.

I get excited just thinking about the possibilities that lie in front of me now. Where will my life take me? What will happen next?

One other note - I will say I made a shift in the way I approached things. Instead of feeling like every comment I made came out of my mouth in some sort of negative way, I focused on looking at the bright side of things. April was a month marked with depression - I was in a dark hole that felt like I would never get out. The harder I tried, the deeper I would sink.

And then something shifted. I took the pressure off myself to compete. I removed anxiety driven situations (mainly road racing) and a weight lifted from my shoulders. I was rediscovering what exercises I did that would make me feel good. I started climbing a little more. I started running trails. I knew I was onto something good when I was able to completely shut my brain off when I was cruising along at my own pace.

I associated training and racing with too much of the same routine. Too much time to think about the way things were, the memories I created when Ryan was around. It became too strong of a burden to bare. And once I removed that pressure, my wings started opening, much wider than before, and I was free to move as I pleased. Finally I was able to look at this important time in my life as a gift rather than a burden.

You have no idea how liberating that was.

Moving on

I just realized today that I'm that much closer to the acceptance stage.

Granted, I did not arrive here over night and I'm more than likely not going to stay in this stage - but for now, I'm accepting where I am and my feelings as they are.

So much in my life has changed. My ever faithful supporter, companion, best friend, lover, admirer and compassionate husband is gone. He was dealt a wrong deal and his time was up last September. Since then I've been figuring out my life without him here by my side and learning how to continue on.

The steady reminders in the house are still there - but yet I've come to some sort of terms with them and they don't get me down like they used to.

The shift happened this weekend and in turn yesterday. On Friday night I went up to Bellingham with Makiah to visit with Tom and Trish. It was my first solo trip without a friend or companion with me. I walked into their house, used the restroom and found myself unable to go into the kitchen without crying. Trish and I both started sobbing together. And although it was sad, it also felt healing to finally be around someone who was there, that understood. We both held Ryan so dear in our hearts, so close to our souls - that we could cry around each other and it felt right. Merely talking about Ryan and how much we both missed him helped.

The rest of our visit was good - we created new memories and shared some laughs. I left feeling good and happy to see how much progression we've both made. Trish and Tom have an amazing friend support network and it was a relief to see how much loved they are.

Then yesterday, Monday, I went to my doctor for my annual visit. He said he was sorry and then I started bawling my eyes out. Another first. Never in a million years do you think you have to go the doctor for your annual with such a life altering experience. I shed some tears, and then felt better.

What I'm trying to get at - is that I can't believe how far I've come. Thursday will mark 8 months since Ryan passed. Seriously? Wow. 8 months can whirl by far too quickly.