Realization

I just figured out why I neglected my yard. It had gotten so out of control - it took 4 adults 3 hours to get it back into shape and functional. And I finally planted the tomato plants Jo picked up for me. As I was watering them, something I hadn't done since last summer, it dawned on me that I was putting off dealing with the realization that Ryan's not inside. He will never peer out the office window as I flash him, never smurk at me and beckon me inside to give him a kiss. That part of my life is over.

It was a sad thought, coming to these terms. But it's realistically something I've been striving toward for the past 9 months. And as the 12 month is rapidly approaching, I sit back and amazed at how far I've come.

For now the grief has subsided and I'm enjoying the summer days. I've had lots of free time and long daylight hours to work on my mental and physical health. Winter was hands down the most difficult month. And some days it's hard to be in the house - so who knows what my future may bring. What was once so certain is now so up in the air.

But I'm slowly and surely becoming okay with that. What to do next in my life? What to do?