It's hard to not thinking of memories created a year ago. Places we visited together and experiences we shared. Soon your absence will be longer than a year. It's really hard to believe it's almost been that long.

This weekend I'm headed to the cabin with Chris and Makiah. I want to visit the spot where you were found and pay my respects. I want to visit that "first" - and am finally feeling strong enough to do so. It feels like it's a necessary part in my healing.

I think back on this past year and can't believe how hard it's been at times and also easy at others. To think we were in the Methow exactly a year ago - you with your climbing buddies and me ready to do a stage race. I warmed up on my rollers on the porch. Who would have thought events would have transpired the way they did? Who would have known?

I remember when Brad passed away and we held each other so tight. It made both of us aware of our deep love for one another and how much we mean to one another. I remember holding you tight, hoping and praying that would never happen to me. But it did.

Now Nellie is going through pain and anguish. Her boyfriend Micah went missing around your birthday on a climb in China. The bodies of his companions were found - yet his has not turned up yet. I cried today and thought of how difficult it is - what a long hard road she has in front of her. From what I hear you now have some more bros to hang with.

Oh Ryan. I miss you. To think that your ashes sit on my mantle is unreal. That's part of the reason I want to see the spot - so the reality can really sink in.

143.