33 and counting backward...

I have goosebumps tonight. And the cause is not the normal one - this time it's the uncanny feeling that Ryan is in the room with me tonight. I've thought about him all day - and my Pandora station keeps playing a slew of songs that remind me of him.

Somedays are just harder than others.

Today was no exception. As I was in my favorite shop in Fremont, the woman who always helps me named Jennifer said she was married to a Ryan. I told her that I was too, and she started to ask about you. The awkward part came when she said, so your ex-husband was named Ryan. And I had to correct her, that you are not my ex. No, you are my late husband. A different story entirely. She then made a comment of how odd it must feel to be a widow at so young. And honestly, when you first passed that thought did cross my mind often. But now as acceptance settles into my life on a daily basis, I don't think of being a victim at all. She continued to ask several personal questions - like if we had a good relationship. And I answered, yes, the best. She asked if I would do it again, and I said in a heartbeat.

I don't think most people understand what you go through when you lose someone super close to you, let alone a soul mate. That hardship is unfathomable. But somehow, some way, you are able to continue on. And the only thing that is a sure thing is the passage of time.

I walk most places these days. The days are longer now, the temperatures warmer, and I find peace in the slower pace traveled. Plus with work and a grocery store within a mile of my house, it's hard not to put on my tennis shoes and take the dog for a walk on my errand runs. I figure we get a triple benefit out of it - she gets the exercise, as do I; we are doing some good for the environment by not driving; and I get to do some self reflection.

I turn 33 in a week from tomorrow. Another birthday, another milestone. They are starting to accumulate. And so is the passage of time between breakdowns. For that I am very thankful. At 35, I start reversing my age and get younger every year, right? Right.