Lately I've been feeling a really strong wave of grief. Where it's the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing on my mind as I go to sleep. I suppose it was triggered from hanging out with a bunch of couples at a wedding shower last night. It made me realize how much of an amazing relationship Ryan and I had. To have known that kind of love is really remarkable. But it also aches with a vengeance when I realize how much I miss him.

It gets to the point where I stop communicating. I can't talk. I can't bring myself to think of what to say - so I get really quiet. I hate to make people uncomfortable and think that by saying something it will. I've learned that I just have to roll with the punches.

Oh how I miss him.

Is it strange that I think about death more now? That I wonder if today will be my day through some strange accident? That maybe my fate is getting near? I know, those are terrible thoughts. But I can't help but think them.