Presence

In the week between the AVC and FSA Grand Prix, I found myself battling with grief. I struggled with thoughts of missing Ryan, wishing he were here, feeling blue, etc. Looking back on that time, I realize that a pattern is starting to emerge. Whenever I have some taper time and am not stressing my body to the max as usual, my mind starts to relax and think about things that are usually buried. In my normal routine of double day workouts, fueling, resting, etc - I don't have time to think about my feelings or get blue. Instead I'm focused on the next effort, the next appointment, the next thing. So when the down time came and the blue feelings happened, I freaked out a little bit.

I've gotten used to not being bombarded by those feelings on a daily basis. My piece of mind has become pretty steady so when it hit me in that week between competition, I felt like I had been broad sided.

Looking back on it - I know there are things I can do and mind sets I can take to embrace the situation. Instead of thinking of Ryan in a downer way, in how much I miss him, how sad I am that he's not here to experience life together - I should transform it into celebrating his energy. How now that I'm relaxing and tapering - his presence is with me more than ever before and he's here to assist. Turning that grief around from a blue feeling into a happy feeling can be hard at times but in the long term managing those feelings and using it as a way to honor him and as inspiration is the best thing I could do.

I'm sure his Irish temper would rear its angry head if he saw me mope and cry about it - he'd want me to summon his strength, use his energy and kick some ass doing what I love and am passionate about.

Next time I get some taper and recognize this pattern emerging, I will turn that frown upside down and use his presence in his honor.