I came across a box of old photos that had some oldies and goodies in it. One of which was this one. Hard to believe it will be ten years ago this year.

Coming Full Circle

Today I woke up with resolve.

Somedays I have more strength than others to tackle those impossible tasks. The ones that no one ever tell you about - like getting rid of possessions. There's no manual on the rights or wrongs of moving on in life after losing a loved one. You just have to trust your instincts and intutition about timing.

Today was one of those days.

A couple of times I almost didn't do what I had decided to do that morning. But around 5pm, I headed out to Discovery park and took another step in my acceptance. At dusk I scattered a handful of ashes on the perch that overlooks the Puget Sound with the Olympics in the distance.

And I've realized that now is the time to make a list of the places around the world to scatter more ashes. Just as I feel bottled up in the city, stuck at home, I'm sure Ryan does too. It's time to spread those wings and continue to acknowledge the circle of life.

Liberating.

Today I woke up feeling better then I have all week, or month for that matter. It feels like my strength has returned, overnight. My generally chipper attitude is back and I feel so much better that I threw out the rope today. I was going to go through the motions and burn it - my mom's suggestion of doing so in the Weber seemed like the best idea. But rather then go through the motions and anxiety of finding the right time and potentially lighting the backyard willow tree on fire - I just put it in the trash.

I often forget - sometimes the anticipation of doing something or the build up of going through the motions is the hardest part. Take the thought of knowing the 2.5 year mark is coming up - it has been wearing heavy on my heart. At times it even debilitated me to sobbing hysterically on the office floor. But now that the date has come and gone, I feel renewed, energized and ready to tackle a new room. I think I'm ready to paint the living room.

The momentum is building up once again and it feels amazing. I just have to remember next time that when I hit the bottom of the valley floor - another summit awaits me.

I just realized, I've posted more in the month of January than any month prior. Maybe it's a sign that I can talk about him ore. Or maybe he's just on my mind more. Or maybe. Maybe.

Social network

I watched social network tonight and thought of Ryan. Coding was his thing. Zero zero zero zero one. He loved to geek out and geek out with his geeky friends. And I loved watching him geek out and listen to him with glazed eyes. I miss him. And his geeky-ness.

Dreams.

In a sleepy haze, half way between dreaming and waking up, I had a dream of Ryan. I was in a water park, slip sliding down a water way. Getting up, going again. And then running into Orion as we were preparing to play soccer on a team called Team Go! And as we were at the officials stand, getting ready to register our team amongst a crowd of people, up walked Ryan. His features were vivid - as I last remember seeing him. A sense of he's been alive all this time washed over me. And then I embraced him. I couldn't smell him though - it was just a shell of his physical body.

I woke up and sobbed. Then I cried myself back to sleep.

As I relayed this dream to a friend, I started sobbing again. Not out of sadness, but more out of the beauty of letting someone touch you that much. I feel blessed to have known a love like that, sad that he's no longer here in the physical sense, but happy that I remember him when I do.

Read a quote this morning:

"Coincidences are the scars of fate."