Dreams

I almost had a dream about Ryan last night, the first one in quite some time.

My dream was based around my childhood home in Eugene, Oregon. I was grown up and we had a bunch of family members around. It was as though we were trying to accomplish something together but had a really difficult time coordinating everyone together. I cooked an omelet, thinking it would be okay to leave, came back a few minutes later and someone had eaten it all! One thing is for sure - you don't come between me and my chow so I was pissed. I remember looking at my brother with accusatory eyes and storming out of the room. All I could think to myself was why couldn't these people cut me a break? Didn't they realize that Ryan had died and I'm still hurting? So what do they do but eat my food?

Kind of funny in that I take someone eating my creation as a serious insult when I was the one who got up and walked away.

I remember feeling like Ryan was following me though in my dream. I woke up shortly thereafter confused and pissed someone had eaten my food.

September

A new month and a new year.

This past Monday we celebrated your passing. A handful of friends and your mom made the hike up to the base of Prime Rib and commemorated you. We scattered some of your ashes and thought about what amazing person you are.

The deep pain that encompassed the week has lessened and I can breath and sleep normally again. I know your absence will always lay heavy on my heart but it feels like I've gotten a little closer to acceptance of you being gone. It happened organically and I'm thankful for it.

So what does the next little bit have in store? Still finding my way and figuring that out. But I feel like I've taken some steps forward in my grieving process.

At times I feel like I've lost my connection to this world. My link, my fortress has been disrupted and now I find myself questioning my decisions and think about what I think what others think far too much. I look around Ryan's work area - where he spent a far amount of his time at home and I can't help but feel a big empty place in my heart and in my home.

Picking up the pieces after his tragic accident has taken a while. There were some low moments, some deep depression and panic feelings of not being able to come out the other side. I still feel them just not as frequently as they used to come.

I've also learned how to escape them - to seek refuge in cycling and other activities. But I still can come full circle and bawl my eyes out with the best of them and mourn how much of my life is gone and just memories.

I'm starting to feel a tinge of anger coming on. How could he be so selfish? But then the moment I utter such words, I quickly ban them from my consciousness. How can I be mad at someone for following their passion? People get hit by walking off the corner of a street - so his exit out of this world was at least doing something he loved.

Wow. A full year has come and gone. It seems so long yet so short at the same time. He was loved, that's for sure. And I know he knew that.

Lately I've been feeling a really strong wave of grief. Where it's the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing on my mind as I go to sleep. I suppose it was triggered from hanging out with a bunch of couples at a wedding shower last night. It made me realize how much of an amazing relationship Ryan and I had. To have known that kind of love is really remarkable. But it also aches with a vengeance when I realize how much I miss him.

It gets to the point where I stop communicating. I can't talk. I can't bring myself to think of what to say - so I get really quiet. I hate to make people uncomfortable and think that by saying something it will. I've learned that I just have to roll with the punches.

Oh how I miss him.

Is it strange that I think about death more now? That I wonder if today will be my day through some strange accident? That maybe my fate is getting near? I know, those are terrible thoughts. But I can't help but think them.

I miss you Ryan. A lot.

I am so thankful for my tribe of people who support me. And I'm so thankful that Trish has a tribe to support her as well. We are so very lucky.

I watched a home video with you in it this morning. We were wrestling at my mom's house and she made a comment early on, "one day these videos will be priceless!" And they are, they are.

I watched another video at Christmas time. We were sitting around the table, exchanging gifts and you were giving mom a silly glass shoe shaped bottle with lotion inside. You had carefully wrapped it and she didn't want to open it. Watching you interact and talk has made me realize how much I'm forgetting about you already. It's scary.

I've also been feeling like I might want to move out of the house. I'm not sure when - or where - but I feel so consumed here that eventually I can picture starting my life some where new. That's a really scary thought though.

As the year mark approaches, I find my thoughts with you more and more. What would we be doing now? What adventures would await us?