Last night I dreamed that I was on a boat on Lake Washington and couldn't stop crying. I was literally convulsing with grief. I didn't know where the boat was going or why I was on it - all I sensed was being extremely sad.
I woke up thinking how nice it was that I dreamed it and that in reality I didn't just cry my eye balls out. I'm sure that will come sooner or later - but for now it's nice to be tear free.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
33 and counting backward...
I have goosebumps tonight. And the cause is not the normal one - this time it's the uncanny feeling that Ryan is in the room with me tonight. I've thought about him all day - and my Pandora station keeps playing a slew of songs that remind me of him.
Somedays are just harder than others.
Today was no exception. As I was in my favorite shop in Fremont, the woman who always helps me named Jennifer said she was married to a Ryan. I told her that I was too, and she started to ask about you. The awkward part came when she said, so your ex-husband was named Ryan. And I had to correct her, that you are not my ex. No, you are my late husband. A different story entirely. She then made a comment of how odd it must feel to be a widow at so young. And honestly, when you first passed that thought did cross my mind often. But now as acceptance settles into my life on a daily basis, I don't think of being a victim at all. She continued to ask several personal questions - like if we had a good relationship. And I answered, yes, the best. She asked if I would do it again, and I said in a heartbeat.
I don't think most people understand what you go through when you lose someone super close to you, let alone a soul mate. That hardship is unfathomable. But somehow, some way, you are able to continue on. And the only thing that is a sure thing is the passage of time.
I walk most places these days. The days are longer now, the temperatures warmer, and I find peace in the slower pace traveled. Plus with work and a grocery store within a mile of my house, it's hard not to put on my tennis shoes and take the dog for a walk on my errand runs. I figure we get a triple benefit out of it - she gets the exercise, as do I; we are doing some good for the environment by not driving; and I get to do some self reflection.
I turn 33 in a week from tomorrow. Another birthday, another milestone. They are starting to accumulate. And so is the passage of time between breakdowns. For that I am very thankful. At 35, I start reversing my age and get younger every year, right? Right.
Somedays are just harder than others.
Today was no exception. As I was in my favorite shop in Fremont, the woman who always helps me named Jennifer said she was married to a Ryan. I told her that I was too, and she started to ask about you. The awkward part came when she said, so your ex-husband was named Ryan. And I had to correct her, that you are not my ex. No, you are my late husband. A different story entirely. She then made a comment of how odd it must feel to be a widow at so young. And honestly, when you first passed that thought did cross my mind often. But now as acceptance settles into my life on a daily basis, I don't think of being a victim at all. She continued to ask several personal questions - like if we had a good relationship. And I answered, yes, the best. She asked if I would do it again, and I said in a heartbeat.
I don't think most people understand what you go through when you lose someone super close to you, let alone a soul mate. That hardship is unfathomable. But somehow, some way, you are able to continue on. And the only thing that is a sure thing is the passage of time.
I walk most places these days. The days are longer now, the temperatures warmer, and I find peace in the slower pace traveled. Plus with work and a grocery store within a mile of my house, it's hard not to put on my tennis shoes and take the dog for a walk on my errand runs. I figure we get a triple benefit out of it - she gets the exercise, as do I; we are doing some good for the environment by not driving; and I get to do some self reflection.
I turn 33 in a week from tomorrow. Another birthday, another milestone. They are starting to accumulate. And so is the passage of time between breakdowns. For that I am very thankful. At 35, I start reversing my age and get younger every year, right? Right.
Friday, March 18, 2011
thoughts
Last night, as I laid down to sleep after a late evening spent in Bellingham at Trish's annual St. Patrick Day party, I thought of you. The way your hair felt on your temple, and how I loved to rub the scoop of it - how the hair was lighter in color there. I haven't thought about the intimate details of your physical presence in a long time.
And I cried. Hard.
This morning, I woke up with a missing you hangover.
Walking into work helped. It reminded me of a pleasant memory - exactly three years ago. When Coleman came up to visit and we walked to meet you. I took a photo of the two of you, stopping to smell the spring flowers. You are still missed. And loved.
And I cried. Hard.
This morning, I woke up with a missing you hangover.
Walking into work helped. It reminded me of a pleasant memory - exactly three years ago. When Coleman came up to visit and we walked to meet you. I took a photo of the two of you, stopping to smell the spring flowers. You are still missed. And loved.
Monday, March 7, 2011
2.5
I didn't want today to go by without recognizing it. It makes me realize that time is the ultimate healer - and that suddenly, when you wish things would speed up, you realize they have and you wish they would slow back down.
Three years is the next mark. That's a solid chunk of time. And life has continued to spin madly on.
Thankfully, I've surrounded myself with loved ones who continue to remind me the beauty of living on. Of carrying on in the circle of life. Of loving, of living, of laughing and crying. To experience all of these things is so humbling.
Funny, I'm listening to Coldplay as I write. Their music transports me and highlights how many memories I have created since the last time I listened to them. So many good things have happened in my life - and I am thankful for the difficult times too. Standing on the top of mountains, looking into the valley below; breathing deep and acknowledging that my life will follow the contours of the planet. I am prepared for whatever it throws at me, at us. And that I am prepared to share this wisdom and knowledge with friends and family that need it.
Three years is the next mark. That's a solid chunk of time. And life has continued to spin madly on.
Thankfully, I've surrounded myself with loved ones who continue to remind me the beauty of living on. Of carrying on in the circle of life. Of loving, of living, of laughing and crying. To experience all of these things is so humbling.
Funny, I'm listening to Coldplay as I write. Their music transports me and highlights how many memories I have created since the last time I listened to them. So many good things have happened in my life - and I am thankful for the difficult times too. Standing on the top of mountains, looking into the valley below; breathing deep and acknowledging that my life will follow the contours of the planet. I am prepared for whatever it throws at me, at us. And that I am prepared to share this wisdom and knowledge with friends and family that need it.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Coming Full Circle
Today I woke up with resolve.
Somedays I have more strength than others to tackle those impossible tasks. The ones that no one ever tell you about - like getting rid of possessions. There's no manual on the rights or wrongs of moving on in life after losing a loved one. You just have to trust your instincts and intutition about timing.
Today was one of those days.
A couple of times I almost didn't do what I had decided to do that morning. But around 5pm, I headed out to Discovery park and took another step in my acceptance. At dusk I scattered a handful of ashes on the perch that overlooks the Puget Sound with the Olympics in the distance.
And I've realized that now is the time to make a list of the places around the world to scatter more ashes. Just as I feel bottled up in the city, stuck at home, I'm sure Ryan does too. It's time to spread those wings and continue to acknowledge the circle of life.
Somedays I have more strength than others to tackle those impossible tasks. The ones that no one ever tell you about - like getting rid of possessions. There's no manual on the rights or wrongs of moving on in life after losing a loved one. You just have to trust your instincts and intutition about timing.
Today was one of those days.
A couple of times I almost didn't do what I had decided to do that morning. But around 5pm, I headed out to Discovery park and took another step in my acceptance. At dusk I scattered a handful of ashes on the perch that overlooks the Puget Sound with the Olympics in the distance.
And I've realized that now is the time to make a list of the places around the world to scatter more ashes. Just as I feel bottled up in the city, stuck at home, I'm sure Ryan does too. It's time to spread those wings and continue to acknowledge the circle of life.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Liberating.
Today I woke up feeling better then I have all week, or month for that matter. It feels like my strength has returned, overnight. My generally chipper attitude is back and I feel so much better that I threw out the rope today. I was going to go through the motions and burn it - my mom's suggestion of doing so in the Weber seemed like the best idea. But rather then go through the motions and anxiety of finding the right time and potentially lighting the backyard willow tree on fire - I just put it in the trash.
I often forget - sometimes the anticipation of doing something or the build up of going through the motions is the hardest part. Take the thought of knowing the 2.5 year mark is coming up - it has been wearing heavy on my heart. At times it even debilitated me to sobbing hysterically on the office floor. But now that the date has come and gone, I feel renewed, energized and ready to tackle a new room. I think I'm ready to paint the living room.
The momentum is building up once again and it feels amazing. I just have to remember next time that when I hit the bottom of the valley floor - another summit awaits me.
I often forget - sometimes the anticipation of doing something or the build up of going through the motions is the hardest part. Take the thought of knowing the 2.5 year mark is coming up - it has been wearing heavy on my heart. At times it even debilitated me to sobbing hysterically on the office floor. But now that the date has come and gone, I feel renewed, energized and ready to tackle a new room. I think I'm ready to paint the living room.
The momentum is building up once again and it feels amazing. I just have to remember next time that when I hit the bottom of the valley floor - another summit awaits me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)