Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I watched a home video with you in it this morning. We were wrestling at my mom's house and she made a comment early on, "one day these videos will be priceless!" And they are, they are.
I watched another video at Christmas time. We were sitting around the table, exchanging gifts and you were giving mom a silly glass shoe shaped bottle with lotion inside. You had carefully wrapped it and she didn't want to open it. Watching you interact and talk has made me realize how much I'm forgetting about you already. It's scary.
I've also been feeling like I might want to move out of the house. I'm not sure when - or where - but I feel so consumed here that eventually I can picture starting my life some where new. That's a really scary thought though.
As the year mark approaches, I find my thoughts with you more and more. What would we be doing now? What adventures would await us?
I watched another video at Christmas time. We were sitting around the table, exchanging gifts and you were giving mom a silly glass shoe shaped bottle with lotion inside. You had carefully wrapped it and she didn't want to open it. Watching you interact and talk has made me realize how much I'm forgetting about you already. It's scary.
I've also been feeling like I might want to move out of the house. I'm not sure when - or where - but I feel so consumed here that eventually I can picture starting my life some where new. That's a really scary thought though.
As the year mark approaches, I find my thoughts with you more and more. What would we be doing now? What adventures would await us?
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thinking of you
I never really stopped thinking about you. Just some days are easier than others. Some days I'm able to immerse myself in what I'm doing so I shut out the constant ache. But usually I wake up in the mornings and you're the first thing on my mind. This morning I could feel you. I want to have a dream about you so bad - but haven't in months.
I finally built up enough courage today to call the sheriff's department to find out where exactly they located your body. I don't know why that matters so much to me - other than I want to go where you last were. I want to be there. I want to pay tribute to you.
One year is rapidly approaching. One year. I can't believe it.
I find myself struggling with the concept of having the capacity to love someone as much as I loved you. For fear of losing it, I suppose. A rational fear at first but in reality an unrealistic one.
Every time I hear an old song, it transports me to memories I have with you. How at the time I soak in everything that's around me... live in the moment and try to commit it to memory. Boy am I glad I did. I'm afraid of losing those memories. Afraid of forgetting how you smiled or your embrace. But I can't think about it too long - otherwise a flood of tears and a puddle of emotions will come streaming out.
I finally built up enough courage today to call the sheriff's department to find out where exactly they located your body. I don't know why that matters so much to me - other than I want to go where you last were. I want to be there. I want to pay tribute to you.
One year is rapidly approaching. One year. I can't believe it.
I find myself struggling with the concept of having the capacity to love someone as much as I loved you. For fear of losing it, I suppose. A rational fear at first but in reality an unrealistic one.
Every time I hear an old song, it transports me to memories I have with you. How at the time I soak in everything that's around me... live in the moment and try to commit it to memory. Boy am I glad I did. I'm afraid of losing those memories. Afraid of forgetting how you smiled or your embrace. But I can't think about it too long - otherwise a flood of tears and a puddle of emotions will come streaming out.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Realization
I just figured out why I neglected my yard. It had gotten so out of control - it took 4 adults 3 hours to get it back into shape and functional. And I finally planted the tomato plants Jo picked up for me. As I was watering them, something I hadn't done since last summer, it dawned on me that I was putting off dealing with the realization that Ryan's not inside. He will never peer out the office window as I flash him, never smurk at me and beckon me inside to give him a kiss. That part of my life is over.
It was a sad thought, coming to these terms. But it's realistically something I've been striving toward for the past 9 months. And as the 12 month is rapidly approaching, I sit back and amazed at how far I've come.
For now the grief has subsided and I'm enjoying the summer days. I've had lots of free time and long daylight hours to work on my mental and physical health. Winter was hands down the most difficult month. And some days it's hard to be in the house - so who knows what my future may bring. What was once so certain is now so up in the air.
But I'm slowly and surely becoming okay with that. What to do next in my life? What to do?
It was a sad thought, coming to these terms. But it's realistically something I've been striving toward for the past 9 months. And as the 12 month is rapidly approaching, I sit back and amazed at how far I've come.
For now the grief has subsided and I'm enjoying the summer days. I've had lots of free time and long daylight hours to work on my mental and physical health. Winter was hands down the most difficult month. And some days it's hard to be in the house - so who knows what my future may bring. What was once so certain is now so up in the air.
But I'm slowly and surely becoming okay with that. What to do next in my life? What to do?
Friday, June 12, 2009
It's hard to not thinking of memories created a year ago. Places we visited together and experiences we shared. Soon your absence will be longer than a year. It's really hard to believe it's almost been that long.
This weekend I'm headed to the cabin with Chris and Makiah. I want to visit the spot where you were found and pay my respects. I want to visit that "first" - and am finally feeling strong enough to do so. It feels like it's a necessary part in my healing.
I think back on this past year and can't believe how hard it's been at times and also easy at others. To think we were in the Methow exactly a year ago - you with your climbing buddies and me ready to do a stage race. I warmed up on my rollers on the porch. Who would have thought events would have transpired the way they did? Who would have known?
I remember when Brad passed away and we held each other so tight. It made both of us aware of our deep love for one another and how much we mean to one another. I remember holding you tight, hoping and praying that would never happen to me. But it did.
Now Nellie is going through pain and anguish. Her boyfriend Micah went missing around your birthday on a climb in China. The bodies of his companions were found - yet his has not turned up yet. I cried today and thought of how difficult it is - what a long hard road she has in front of her. From what I hear you now have some more bros to hang with.
Oh Ryan. I miss you. To think that your ashes sit on my mantle is unreal. That's part of the reason I want to see the spot - so the reality can really sink in.
143.
This weekend I'm headed to the cabin with Chris and Makiah. I want to visit the spot where you were found and pay my respects. I want to visit that "first" - and am finally feeling strong enough to do so. It feels like it's a necessary part in my healing.
I think back on this past year and can't believe how hard it's been at times and also easy at others. To think we were in the Methow exactly a year ago - you with your climbing buddies and me ready to do a stage race. I warmed up on my rollers on the porch. Who would have thought events would have transpired the way they did? Who would have known?
I remember when Brad passed away and we held each other so tight. It made both of us aware of our deep love for one another and how much we mean to one another. I remember holding you tight, hoping and praying that would never happen to me. But it did.
Now Nellie is going through pain and anguish. Her boyfriend Micah went missing around your birthday on a climb in China. The bodies of his companions were found - yet his has not turned up yet. I cried today and thought of how difficult it is - what a long hard road she has in front of her. From what I hear you now have some more bros to hang with.
Oh Ryan. I miss you. To think that your ashes sit on my mantle is unreal. That's part of the reason I want to see the spot - so the reality can really sink in.
143.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Coping
Ryan's birthday was on June 5, 2009. He would have turned 32. Knowing that the day would be hard, regardless of my location, I flew out to Chicago to spend the weekend away from home in attempt to create new memories. My friend Sharon suggested I float a flower on the shores of Lake Michigan.
Even buying the flower for the occasion was tough. A single, bright pink rose. I popped it off it's stem and cried while doing so. Thinking about how much I would give to have him here next to me - to be celebrating his birthday in person. How the past 9 months have whizzed by.
As the flower floated, it quickly made it's way into deeper waters. Growing more and more distant and bopping in and out of view. My face grew crusty with salty tears. Yet I felt better for having done something in his memory.
The pain has grown deeper. No longer coming in waves, it has settled in with a dull ache. Constantly reminding me of what I lost and making my gray hair multiply.
Even buying the flower for the occasion was tough. A single, bright pink rose. I popped it off it's stem and cried while doing so. Thinking about how much I would give to have him here next to me - to be celebrating his birthday in person. How the past 9 months have whizzed by.
As the flower floated, it quickly made it's way into deeper waters. Growing more and more distant and bopping in and out of view. My face grew crusty with salty tears. Yet I felt better for having done something in his memory.
The pain has grown deeper. No longer coming in waves, it has settled in with a dull ache. Constantly reminding me of what I lost and making my gray hair multiply.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)