33 and counting backward...

I have goosebumps tonight. And the cause is not the normal one - this time it's the uncanny feeling that Ryan is in the room with me tonight. I've thought about him all day - and my Pandora station keeps playing a slew of songs that remind me of him.

Somedays are just harder than others.

Today was no exception. As I was in my favorite shop in Fremont, the woman who always helps me named Jennifer said she was married to a Ryan. I told her that I was too, and she started to ask about you. The awkward part came when she said, so your ex-husband was named Ryan. And I had to correct her, that you are not my ex. No, you are my late husband. A different story entirely. She then made a comment of how odd it must feel to be a widow at so young. And honestly, when you first passed that thought did cross my mind often. But now as acceptance settles into my life on a daily basis, I don't think of being a victim at all. She continued to ask several personal questions - like if we had a good relationship. And I answered, yes, the best. She asked if I would do it again, and I said in a heartbeat.

I don't think most people understand what you go through when you lose someone super close to you, let alone a soul mate. That hardship is unfathomable. But somehow, some way, you are able to continue on. And the only thing that is a sure thing is the passage of time.

I walk most places these days. The days are longer now, the temperatures warmer, and I find peace in the slower pace traveled. Plus with work and a grocery store within a mile of my house, it's hard not to put on my tennis shoes and take the dog for a walk on my errand runs. I figure we get a triple benefit out of it - she gets the exercise, as do I; we are doing some good for the environment by not driving; and I get to do some self reflection.

I turn 33 in a week from tomorrow. Another birthday, another milestone. They are starting to accumulate. And so is the passage of time between breakdowns. For that I am very thankful. At 35, I start reversing my age and get younger every year, right? Right.

thoughts

Last night, as I laid down to sleep after a late evening spent in Bellingham at Trish's annual St. Patrick Day party, I thought of you. The way your hair felt on your temple, and how I loved to rub the scoop of it - how the hair was lighter in color there. I haven't thought about the intimate details of your physical presence in a long time.

And I cried. Hard.

This morning, I woke up with a missing you hangover.

Walking into work helped. It reminded me of a pleasant memory - exactly three years ago. When Coleman came up to visit and we walked to meet you. I took a photo of the two of you, stopping to smell the spring flowers. You are still missed. And loved.

2.5

I didn't want today to go by without recognizing it. It makes me realize that time is the ultimate healer - and that suddenly, when you wish things would speed up, you realize they have and you wish they would slow back down.

Three years is the next mark. That's a solid chunk of time. And life has continued to spin madly on.

Thankfully, I've surrounded myself with loved ones who continue to remind me the beauty of living on. Of carrying on in the circle of life. Of loving, of living, of laughing and crying. To experience all of these things is so humbling.

Funny, I'm listening to Coldplay as I write. Their music transports me and highlights how many memories I have created since the last time I listened to them. So many good things have happened in my life - and I am thankful for the difficult times too. Standing on the top of mountains, looking into the valley below; breathing deep and acknowledging that my life will follow the contours of the planet. I am prepared for whatever it throws at me, at us. And that I am prepared to share this wisdom and knowledge with friends and family that need it.