That one was for you, Ryan.

If homefield advantage plays a part in cycling, both 25-year-old David Fleischhauer and 33-year-old Jennifer Triplett are the face of the argument.

For Fleischhauer and Triplett, it wasn't their first time navigating the streets of Bellingham. Both Western Washington University graduates, Fleischhauer in 2008 and Triplett in 2000, the pair made a return trip to the town of their alma mater to claim first place in their respective men's and women's category 1 and 2 divisions of the 2011 Bellingham Criterium, part of the Washington State Masters & Senior Criterium Championships.

"It was sweet euphoria," said Triplett after winning the 45-minut- long women's race. "I got goose bumps when I finished. It's nice to come back here and win."

Fleischhauer, who was racing for bike team Harriet Sports Performance based out of Seattle, echoed Triplett's sentiments

"It always feels great to win, and this is my first win of the year," Fleischhauer said. "The roads were new on the course, and Bellingham is my favorite place to be in the world."

For 10 hours Sunday, a total of 300 participants competing in 14 different races whizzed around a one-mile road bike loop in downtown Bellingham. Starting at the csection of Lottie Street and Grand Avenue, cyclists sped up to 30 mph around Grand Avenue to Girard Street, North Commerical Street, Flora Street then back down Grand Avenue.

Record-setting cyclist Stewart Bowmer organized the event with title sponsor Fanatik Bike Co. The event included races for all age groups and experience levels. In the cycling world, categories 4-5 are for novices, while categories 1 and 2 are for professional level racers.

Adding to the excitement of the criterium were primes that were handed out to the race leader at various points of the race. For winning certain laps, cyclists were awarded cash prizes and other merchandise.

"Sprinting for prizes is one thing that makes the criterium so unique to other races," Bowmer said. "It's been a great turnout this year, the most we've ever had."

Triplett, who races for Hagen Berman Cycling Team, credited her success to the tremendous amount of racing she has done of late. On Saturday she was in San Jose, Calif., where she competed in two races. In fact, she said the Bellingham Criterium was her ninth race in two weeks.

Disregarding any possible fatigue and her seventh-place slot heading into the last lap, Triplett was still able to sneak her way across the finish line before Seattle racer Tricia Bailey, who was trailing her close.

"My partner Beth (Lyndon-Griffith) helped me out on the last lap," Triplett said. "I got up to third wheel going into the last turn and just powered my way to the finish."

While Triplett had to outrace only 13 other competitors to win, Fleischhauer claimed first place in a much larger 50-man field.

"I was actually 15 guys or so back going into the last lap, but on this track you can pass 20-25 people in a half lap," Fleischhauer said. "I was a little worried about getting pinched, but it worked out. We have a small team, so we had to play off other riders. Last time on this track (two years ago) we won, so I think we have a good strategy."

Bowmer said the races went well and were very safe, as they experienced only four crashes. But while Bowmer was pleased with how the 2011 Bellingham Criterium turned out, he said he hopes for more in the future.

"It's great to have so many come out," Bowmer said. "Hopefully in the future we can get a race closer to central downtown Bellingham."

Read more: http://www.bellinghamherald.com/2011/07/03/2087609/cycling-wwu-graduates-return-home.html#ixzz1RLpiRM9U

Thinking of you today. It's been a while but you came into my dream the other night. Then you haunted my computer and put Makiah up to some nonsense. I miss you.

Corner Two.

I will always think of you when I think about corner two.

You'd pull up your arm chair and chug IPA's and cheer me on from the rail. You loved watching from there - observing and shouting encouragement as I whirled by. And I loved pulling up after the race and saying hi.

It's just not the same without you there.

Wah.

Last night I dreamed that I was on a boat on Lake Washington and couldn't stop crying. I was literally convulsing with grief. I didn't know where the boat was going or why I was on it - all I sensed was being extremely sad.

I woke up thinking how nice it was that I dreamed it and that in reality I didn't just cry my eye balls out. I'm sure that will come sooner or later - but for now it's nice to be tear free.

33 and counting backward...

I have goosebumps tonight. And the cause is not the normal one - this time it's the uncanny feeling that Ryan is in the room with me tonight. I've thought about him all day - and my Pandora station keeps playing a slew of songs that remind me of him.

Somedays are just harder than others.

Today was no exception. As I was in my favorite shop in Fremont, the woman who always helps me named Jennifer said she was married to a Ryan. I told her that I was too, and she started to ask about you. The awkward part came when she said, so your ex-husband was named Ryan. And I had to correct her, that you are not my ex. No, you are my late husband. A different story entirely. She then made a comment of how odd it must feel to be a widow at so young. And honestly, when you first passed that thought did cross my mind often. But now as acceptance settles into my life on a daily basis, I don't think of being a victim at all. She continued to ask several personal questions - like if we had a good relationship. And I answered, yes, the best. She asked if I would do it again, and I said in a heartbeat.

I don't think most people understand what you go through when you lose someone super close to you, let alone a soul mate. That hardship is unfathomable. But somehow, some way, you are able to continue on. And the only thing that is a sure thing is the passage of time.

I walk most places these days. The days are longer now, the temperatures warmer, and I find peace in the slower pace traveled. Plus with work and a grocery store within a mile of my house, it's hard not to put on my tennis shoes and take the dog for a walk on my errand runs. I figure we get a triple benefit out of it - she gets the exercise, as do I; we are doing some good for the environment by not driving; and I get to do some self reflection.

I turn 33 in a week from tomorrow. Another birthday, another milestone. They are starting to accumulate. And so is the passage of time between breakdowns. For that I am very thankful. At 35, I start reversing my age and get younger every year, right? Right.

thoughts

Last night, as I laid down to sleep after a late evening spent in Bellingham at Trish's annual St. Patrick Day party, I thought of you. The way your hair felt on your temple, and how I loved to rub the scoop of it - how the hair was lighter in color there. I haven't thought about the intimate details of your physical presence in a long time.

And I cried. Hard.

This morning, I woke up with a missing you hangover.

Walking into work helped. It reminded me of a pleasant memory - exactly three years ago. When Coleman came up to visit and we walked to meet you. I took a photo of the two of you, stopping to smell the spring flowers. You are still missed. And loved.

2.5

I didn't want today to go by without recognizing it. It makes me realize that time is the ultimate healer - and that suddenly, when you wish things would speed up, you realize they have and you wish they would slow back down.

Three years is the next mark. That's a solid chunk of time. And life has continued to spin madly on.

Thankfully, I've surrounded myself with loved ones who continue to remind me the beauty of living on. Of carrying on in the circle of life. Of loving, of living, of laughing and crying. To experience all of these things is so humbling.

Funny, I'm listening to Coldplay as I write. Their music transports me and highlights how many memories I have created since the last time I listened to them. So many good things have happened in my life - and I am thankful for the difficult times too. Standing on the top of mountains, looking into the valley below; breathing deep and acknowledging that my life will follow the contours of the planet. I am prepared for whatever it throws at me, at us. And that I am prepared to share this wisdom and knowledge with friends and family that need it.

I came across a box of old photos that had some oldies and goodies in it. One of which was this one. Hard to believe it will be ten years ago this year.

Coming Full Circle

Today I woke up with resolve.

Somedays I have more strength than others to tackle those impossible tasks. The ones that no one ever tell you about - like getting rid of possessions. There's no manual on the rights or wrongs of moving on in life after losing a loved one. You just have to trust your instincts and intutition about timing.

Today was one of those days.

A couple of times I almost didn't do what I had decided to do that morning. But around 5pm, I headed out to Discovery park and took another step in my acceptance. At dusk I scattered a handful of ashes on the perch that overlooks the Puget Sound with the Olympics in the distance.

And I've realized that now is the time to make a list of the places around the world to scatter more ashes. Just as I feel bottled up in the city, stuck at home, I'm sure Ryan does too. It's time to spread those wings and continue to acknowledge the circle of life.

Liberating.

Today I woke up feeling better then I have all week, or month for that matter. It feels like my strength has returned, overnight. My generally chipper attitude is back and I feel so much better that I threw out the rope today. I was going to go through the motions and burn it - my mom's suggestion of doing so in the Weber seemed like the best idea. But rather then go through the motions and anxiety of finding the right time and potentially lighting the backyard willow tree on fire - I just put it in the trash.

I often forget - sometimes the anticipation of doing something or the build up of going through the motions is the hardest part. Take the thought of knowing the 2.5 year mark is coming up - it has been wearing heavy on my heart. At times it even debilitated me to sobbing hysterically on the office floor. But now that the date has come and gone, I feel renewed, energized and ready to tackle a new room. I think I'm ready to paint the living room.

The momentum is building up once again and it feels amazing. I just have to remember next time that when I hit the bottom of the valley floor - another summit awaits me.

I just realized, I've posted more in the month of January than any month prior. Maybe it's a sign that I can talk about him ore. Or maybe he's just on my mind more. Or maybe. Maybe.

Social network

I watched social network tonight and thought of Ryan. Coding was his thing. Zero zero zero zero one. He loved to geek out and geek out with his geeky friends. And I loved watching him geek out and listen to him with glazed eyes. I miss him. And his geeky-ness.

Dreams.

In a sleepy haze, half way between dreaming and waking up, I had a dream of Ryan. I was in a water park, slip sliding down a water way. Getting up, going again. And then running into Orion as we were preparing to play soccer on a team called Team Go! And as we were at the officials stand, getting ready to register our team amongst a crowd of people, up walked Ryan. His features were vivid - as I last remember seeing him. A sense of he's been alive all this time washed over me. And then I embraced him. I couldn't smell him though - it was just a shell of his physical body.

I woke up and sobbed. Then I cried myself back to sleep.

As I relayed this dream to a friend, I started sobbing again. Not out of sadness, but more out of the beauty of letting someone touch you that much. I feel blessed to have known a love like that, sad that he's no longer here in the physical sense, but happy that I remember him when I do.

Read a quote this morning:

"Coincidences are the scars of fate."

Coincidence?

I've been purging my house lately. Since I've got some down time from the bike, I've been putting in my extra energy into those often neglected things. Such as cleaning off bookshelves with old climbing guide books, yacht guides, things Ryan was into. It's left me wondering though - what do I do with his old year books? His baseball card collection? His leather jacket?

His intense picture hangs on the wall next to the now empty bookshelf. The guide books, where he spent hours fondling their pages, are being donated to Vertical World for the use of other climbing enthusiasts. I'd rather have someone use it who values it vs. chucking it to Goodwill.

Plus in a way, I think I'm getting ready for a major change. A move or something. That or I'm just exercising how freeing it is to not be tied down by hordes of stuff.

One thing I will keep forever though are my journals. I came across one from our honeymoon. And its words were somewhat creepy. Here's what it said:

"Ah, the magnificent beauty of Yosemite. What a special treat to spend our honeymoon in one of the world's premier climbing spots. (Even as I type this, Built to Spill came on the radio - yet another coincidence?) Entering the valley for the first time was breath taking - I am so glad to be able to see it with my husband. Ryan even commented how special it was to come to a place where neither of us have been and be able to climb such death defying heights together as husband and wife. I completely agree.

We've been in Yosemite since September 7, 2001 - and every moment has been phenomenal, pristine and gorgeous. The land is as enchanting as I've ever seen and I am already planning on ways to get back. Our forefathers knew what they were talking about and I will thank them for generations to come. May it remain this gorgeous and I hope my children children will thoroughly enjoy it as much as I have."

Death-defying?
September 7?
Built to Spill?

Whoa.