It's hard not to hold onto things. Hard to let go of notions of what's right in this world - things that are often ingrained in you as a kid. That happiness means having a corporate job, having 2.5 kids, getting a house with a mortgage and acquiring the hoards of things you can by having money. But when you get down to it - do any of those things guarantee happiness?

Does holding onto Ryan's clothing produce happiness? No. It just makes it harder to let it go. I know that by giving away his clothing it won't bring him back. Keeping his clothing won't bring him back either. His memories will remain tucked in my heart for the rest of my life.


More on these thoughts later...

Seasons and emotions changing

This morning between weight sets at the gym, I couldn't help but let my mind wander and think about how my grief has progressed. What used to trigger deep sadness and utter loss - a lyric, a smell, a remembrance, is now processed a little easier in my head. Sure the sadness is still there and without a doubt I miss Ryan immensely - but the intensity of his sudden death has now lessened in its harshness. My trigger points aren't as sharp and are not as easily pulled. I can sleep alone in my bed without crying myself to sleep every night.

It's amazing to me this transformation happened - though surely not overnight. It's been a long process from the get go and I also recognize I could become a tearful puddle without a moment's notice. Yet I'm learning to accept this new reality and in some way recognize how much strength and perseverance it's taken to get to this point.

Life never prepares you for its uncertainties. All you can do is make the most of each day, as though its your last and live it with no regrets. I knew right away that being angry about Ryan's death would not benefit me in any way - so I avoided it. And now I can look back on the last year or so and know that my healing was productive and true to my spirit.

So as we approach the shorter days and the longer nights, the colder weather and ski season, I'm a little more prepared for what lies ahead and creating new memories. Holidays shouldn't be as dreaded, but looked as an opportunity to make new traditions. I know, without a doubt, I'll think about Ryan and his endless spirit for adventure and fun while making turns in the powder this winter. So if you hear me hooping and hollering like a mad woman down the hill, please realize I'm doing so for the two of us.